Harmonizing Desire in Couples (Part 2 of 3)

By Christian Dominique

“Men and women seem to be equally likely to be the one in the couple with lower sexual desire.” (Mark, 2012)

Let’s dig deeper into the subtleties of sexual desire. Relationships and romance can be a desire dance, where partners must navigate the ebb and flow of their mutual and multiple passions. We’ll discuss sexual desire discrepancy and provide strategies to ensure both partners feel heard, understood, and satisfied. Sexual desire is associated with sexual satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, and overall well-being (Apt et al., 1996; Davison et al., 2009). Desire is the fire that tends to fade with various factors. Luckily, we will explore how to keep the flame going, steaming hot, and without getting burned, in the continuation of this desire blog series.

Individual Sexual Desire

Sexual desire (SD) is an individual drive or urge, often called sex drive or libido, and affected mainly by the hormone testosterone and the neurotransmitter dopamine. It can vary during the day, the month (especially in women with changes in hormones during the menstrual cycle), periods of life, and with different partners. It can also vary between seasons (Miller et al., 2024).

Sexual desire can be for:

1. Self-sex or solo sex (e.g., masturbation)
2. Sex with others in general (i.e., non-partner, non-specific non-self desire)
3. Sex with a specific partner (often a romantic relationship)

Desire can be of two types:

1. Spontaneous desire

Sudden thought, feeling, or sensation without stimulus.

• Responsive desire

Positive sexual reaction to stimulation from the five senses (vision, touch, taste, smell, hearing) or memory. This can include interactions with others actively showing interest or being present without overt demonstration.

Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Sexual desire discrepancy (SDD) occurs when a partner has significantly more or less sexual desire than the other partner. Perhaps surprisingly, men and women seem to be equally likely to be the one in the couple with lower sexual desire relative to their partner, even if cultural cues often portray women as having lower sex drive in relationships (Mark, 2012). Dr. Kristen Mark has been a key researcher in the area including examining differences between men and women and found:

1. Self-reported lower global SDD predicts better sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction for men only (Mark, 2012)
2. Event-level lower SDD predicts better sexual satisfaction for women only (Mark, 2014)
3. Higher SDD relates to higher relationship dissatisfaction in women and higher sexual dissatisfaction in men (Mark & Murray, 2012)
4. Women’s higher sexual desire predicts higher relationship satisfaction (Mark, 2012)
5. Higher sexual desire towards specific partner predicts better sexual satisfaction in both genders (Mark, 2012; Mark, 2014)

Sexual Compliance Strategy

Sometimes it is difficult to lower sexual desire discrepancy for various individual and relational reasons. Sexual compliance is consensual sex in a situation in which a partner has low or no sexual desire. When the sexual desires of the individuals are not in synch, strategies like sexual compliance can also communicate care and attention to the partner’s sexual needs and maintain overall relationship satisfaction. This practice seems common in committed relationships and can create positive outcomes. In a study with 63 men and women, 46% of participants reported at least one occasion of sexual compliance in a 3-week diary period (Vannier & O’Sullivan, 2009). Participants reported four main reasons:

1. Unspoken agreement about preserving sexual contact even when, on occasion, sexual activity is unwanted by one partner.
2. Unreasonable assumption that both partners in a romantic relationship consistently experience the same level of sexual desire.
3. Reciprocity.
4. Relationship maintenance.

It is also likely that at times when compliance strategy is used, the intimacy and sex can create sexual desire in the less desirous partner. Nonetheless, the choice to have sex or not when there is no desire is up to the individual. It may have its benefits, yet it also may create resentment, and one should feel free to communicate freely with the partner to find alternate solutions, including not complying to sexual advances. Open communication, common understanding and creativity (as we will see in the next section) are key components of higher sexual desire and relationship satisfaction.

Sexual Responsiveness and Arousal

Being responsive to a partner’s needs is associated with higher levels of sexual desire and satisfaction in the relationship. The perception of partner responsiveness has a positive association with sexual desire, especially in women. Responses to initiations tended to match the initiators’ choice of strategies, suggesting that synchrony plays an important role in initiation patterns (Vannier & O’Sullivan, 2011). Responsiveness is different than reflexivity or habit. All genders are found to respond to sexual stimuli of varying sorts (Goldey & van Anders, 2012).

Enjoying pleasing or being pleased sexually by your partner increases mutual desire. For example, women who describe giving oral sex as a satisfying experience correlated positively with couple’s sexual desire for each other (Apt et al., 1996). We can imagine the same is true for men enjoying giving oral sex to women. Again, synching and synchronizing in couples’ dynamic will affect sexual desires positively and lessen discrepancy.

Mindfulness, Novelty and Creativity

Mindfulness can be a tool to increase self-awareness and responsivity (Grabovac, 2011). Mindful sex means being present and “in the moment”, while not letting your mind wander to other non-sexual or non-sensual thoughts, say your to-do list, worries or judgements. In a couple’s situation, being mindful allows awareness of the other in a nonjudgemental way and promotes acceptance and curiosity. Mindfulness can be taught and positively affects sexual desire (Brotto, 2018).

Couples who engage in novel sexual activities are more likely to experience sexual desire. Motivational dopamine responds best to an unexpected event perceived positively, and that includes sexual encounters. The opposite is true with monotony and boredom. Be creative in the bedroom to boast sexual desire.

Conclusion

           Sexual desire, a complex interplay of hormones, neurotransmitters, and individual factors, significantly impacts our relationships and overall well-being. Understanding the nuances of desire, such as the distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire, is crucial for fostering healthy and satisfying sexual experiences. By embracing mindfulness, novelty, open communication, and creativity, couples can navigate desire discrepancies and cultivate a fulfilling intimate connection. Managing these discrepancies with some of the strategies covered here is a crucial aspect of lasting long-term love if you want to maintain some of the heart-pounding passion of early days.

In the next article, we will look deeper into passionate love and share more valuable insights.

Author

Christian Dominique, BSc, MBA

Disclaimer

Please note that this blog article only provides an overview of sexual desire on the current state of the scientific literature. This blog article does not endorse any treatments. If you are dealing with physical, mental or relationship issues, we recommend consulting with an appropriate therapist or healthcare professional. Seeking their guidance will ensure that you make informed decisions regarding your well-being.

References

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Apt, C., Hurlbert, D.F., Sarmiento, G., Hurlbert, M. (1996). The role of fellatio in marital sexuality: An examination of sexual compatibility and sexual desire. Sexual and Marital Therapy. 11. 383-392.

https://doi.10.1080/02674659608404452

Brotto, L.A. (2018). Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women can Cultivate Desire. Greystone Books.  ISBN-10: ‎1771642351. ISBN-13: ‎978-1771642354.

Davison, S. L., Bell, R. J., LaChina, M., Holden, S. L., & Davis, S. R. (2009). The relationship between self‐reported sexual satisfaction and general well‐being in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 6, 2690–2697.

https://doi:10.1111/j.17436109.2009.01406.x

Goldey K.L. & van Anders S.M. (2012). Sexual arousal and desire: Interrelations and responses to three modalities of sexual stimuli. J Sex Med 2012; 9:2315–2329

Grabovac, A., Lau, M., Willett, B. (2011). Mechanisms of Mindfulness: A Buddhist Psychological Model. Mindfulness. 2. 154-166.

https://doi.10.1007/s12671-011-0054-5

Jiann, B.P., Su, C.C., Yu, C.C., Wu, T.T., Huang, J.K. (2009) Risk factors for individual domains of female sexual function. J Sex Med. 2009 Dec;6(12):3364-75.  

https://doi.10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01494.x

Mark, K.P. (2014). The impact of daily sexual desire and daily sexual desire discrepancy on the quality of the sexual experience in couples. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. 23. 27-33. https://doi.10.3138/cjhs.23.1.A2

Mark K.P. (2012) The relative impact of individual sexual desire and couple desire discrepancy on satisfaction in heterosexual couples, Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 27:2, 133-146

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Mark, K. P., & Murray, S. H. (2012). Gender differences in desire discrepancy as a predictor of sexual and relationship satisfaction in a college sample of heterosexual romantic relationships. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 38, 198–215.

https://doi:10.1080/0092623X.2011.606877

Miller, D., Gurayah, A., Weber, A., Schuppe, K & Zarli, M., Hwang, K., Ramasamy, R., Dullea, A. (2024). (291) Seasonal Variation in Serum Testosterone Levels: Evidence from Two Large Institutional Databases. The Journal of Sexual Medicine. 21.

https://doi.10.1093/jsxmed/qdae001.278

Vannier, S. & O’Sullivan, L. (2009). Sex without Desire: Characteristics of Occasions of Sexual Compliance in Young Adults’ Committed Relationships. Journal of sex research. 47. 429-39. https://doi.10.1080/00224490903132051

Vannier, S. & O’Sullivan, L. (2011). Communicating Interest in Sex: Verbal and Nonverbal Initiation of Sexual Activity in Young Adults’ Romantic Dating Relationships. Archives of sexual behavior. 40. 961-9.

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