By Christian Dominique
Very intense long-term love is possible
How do we maintain passion in a relationship? That is the million-dollar question. In couples, passion often decreases over time, as baseline testosterone and attraction dopamine levels decrease, and bonding hormone oxytocin increases. After the obsessive “honeymoon period” peak, romantic love becomes more predominant than passionate desire. An important distinction between early-stage excitement and long-term romantic love is less obsession and anxiety in long-term secure love (Acevedo & Aron, 2009). Some couples may however experience anxiety in long-term relationships depending on personal and interpersonal dynamics.
Although both love and passionate desire predict engagement in and enjoyment of sexual activity, desire is a stronger predictor (Vowels & Mark, 2020). To further our understanding of desire in couples, let us look at passionate love more globally. Sexual desire is the strongest component of passion, although passionate emotion can express itself in the desire to be in the presence of someone, thinking about them and wanting to touch and be touched by them as well. So, let’s embark on this desire love boat. journey together, where science meets seduction. Discover the instruments to navigating a fulfilling and passionate connection constantly and reel in the benefits of intensity for infinity.
Spain vs. United States
Spanish couples were self-reported “very intensely in love” in the following percentages (Cuenca Montesino et al., 2015):
- Relationship less than 10 years = 25%
- Relationship between 10-29 years = 11%
- Relationship of 30 years or more = 10%
The study showed a marked decline of intensity during the first 10 years, yet a tailoring off effect after that. Surprisingly, engaging in novel activities with partner was not associated with intense love. The two main positive predictors of intensity were:
- Affection
- Sexual intercourse for women, but not for men
In the United States (US), self-reported scores of “very intensely in love” were much higher than Spain, indicating cultural aspects and social expectations can influence perception versus peers and social ideals.
The first US study examined married couples across the country and found (O’Leary et al., 2012):
- Relationship <10 years = 48%
- Relationship 10+ years = 40%
The trend of decline in the first ten years and lesser decline thereafter is consistent across culture. If we look at the New York state second study, we find (O’Leary et al., 2012):
1. Relationship <10 years = 33%
2. Relationship 10+ years = 29%
The New York sample had a marked gender difference for married 30 years or more, where 19% of women and 29% of men reported being very intensely in love. This means that in this sample, women were significantly less intensely in love than men after three decades of common coupling. Marked gender difference of intensity was not observed in other groups. The reasons for that difference may be specific to New York state older coupled women as it has not been reproduced.
Some key variables were associated with intensity of love:
- Thinking positively about the partner
- Thinking about the partner when apart
- Affection
- Sexual intercourse (frequency)
- Participation in novel and challenging activities
A positive association of “wanting to know where the partner is” was observed for men, but not for women (O’Leary et al., 2012). We are not sure if this desire to know the whereabouts is more of a jealous or caring nature, but we can assume both factors can be in play. Further studies can shed some light on this nuance. More jealousy was associated with more commitment in Peruvian men whereas no such relationship is found in women (Ventura Leon & Lino-Cruz., 2023). We know that jealousy can be an indicator of passionate love and sexual desire yet is also representing a risk to the relationship when it is expressed or repressed and can lead to conflicts and mistrust. Better to keep jealousy low and replace it with compersion, the opposite of jealousy (Thouin-Savard, & Flicker, 2023).
Passionate Love Predictors
A recent study also found that passionate love decreased with length of relationship, but was positively associated with relationship and sexual satisfaction with the following positive correlations in order of importance (Klanduchova, 2021):
1. Sexual Attraction
2. Enjoying Time Together
3. Partner’s Attractiveness
4. Admiration for Partner
5. Touch
6. Low Boredom
7. Inspiration
8. Partner’s Scent
9. Authenticity
10. Laughing Together
Although ranked #6, both men and women reported that boredom or the perception of monotony (Ferreira et al., 2015) and the overfamiliarity with a partner (Sims & Meana, 2010) are factors in decreased sexual desire in long-term relationships. The remedy to battle boredom may be creativity, constant exploration, and experimentation.
Conclusion
Passionate love is specific and fluctuates with many factors. Cultivating mutual attraction and admiration can significantly enhance and maintain many couples’ sexual desire and contentment in the real world. Emerging science indicates there are several ways to keep the flame going in (or out of) the bedroom beyond the recent bride and groom throes of sexual passion. Even though intensity of passion is known to fade after 10 years (Cuenca Montesino et al., 2015; O’Leary et al., 2012), and even before biologically, it can be maintained through decades of rich relationships. Anyone can beat the odds if they are willing to put the relationship as a priority, constantly communicate and often innovate.
Author
Christian Dominique, BSc, MBA
Disclaimer
Please note that this blog article only provides an overview of passionate and intense love based on the current state of the scientific literature. This blog article does not endorse any treatments. If you are dealing with relationship issues, we recommend consulting with an appropriate therapist. Seeking their guidance will ensure that you make informed decisions regarding your well-being.
References
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https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014226
Ayala, Encarnación & Cala, Verónica & Ferrer, Manuel & García-Serrán, Herenia. (2021). Love, Relationships and Couple Happiness: A Cross-Cultural Comparison Among Spanish Couples and Moroccan Couples in Southern Spain. Interpersona: An International Journal on Personal Relationships. 15. 72-89.
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Cacioppo, S., Bianchi-Demicheli, F., Hamilton, A/, & Grafton, S. (2007). The Neural Basis of Love as a Subliminal Prime: An Event-related Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging Study. Journal of cognitive neuroscience. 19. 1218-30.
https://doi.10.1162/jocn.2007.19.7.1218
Cacioppo, Stephanie & Bianchi-Demicheli, Francesco & Patel, Nisa & Frum, Chris & Lewis, James. (2010). Neuroimaging of Love: fMRI Meta-Analysis Evidence toward New Perspectives in Sexual Medicine. The journal of sexual medicine. 7. 3541-52.
https://10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.01999.x
Cuenca Montesino, M., Graña, J., O’Leary, K. D. (2015). Intensity of Love in a Community Sample of Spanish Couples in the Region of Madrid. The Spanish Journal of Psychology. 18. https://doi.10.1017/sjp.2015.79
Ferreira, L. C., Fraenkel, P., Narciso, I., & Novo, R. (2015). Is committed desire intentional? A qualitative exploration of sexual desire and differentiation of self in couples. Family Process, 54, 308–326.
https://doi:10.1111/famp.12108
Klanduchova, Eva. (2021). Predictors of Passionate Love in Long-term Romantic Relationships. https://doi.10.13140/RG.2.2.11068.36489.
O’Leary K. D., Acevedo B. P., Aron A., Huddy L., &Mashek D. (2012). Is long-term love more than a rarephenomenon? If so, what are its correlates? SocialPsychological and Personality Science, 3, 241–249.
https://dx.doi.org/10.1177/1948550611417015
Sims, K. E., & Meana, M. (2010). Why did passion wane? A qualitative study of married women’s attributions for declines in sexual desire. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 36, 360–380. https://doi:10.1080/0092623X.2010.498727
Ventura Leon, J. & Lino-Cruz, C. (2023). Love, jealousy, satisfaction and violence in young couples: A network analysis. PloS one. 18. e0285555.
https://doi.10.1371/journal.pone.0285555
Vowels, L. & Mark, K. (2020). Partners’ Daily Love and Desire as Predictors of Engagement in and Enjoyment of Sexual Activity. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 46. 1-13. https://doi.10.1080/0092623X.2019.1711274
